Posted by: Freda on: February 9, 2010
For years, I’ve been nagged by a confusion concerning one whom I hold dear. It yanked me around and made me feel as dense as I was one morning when I tried to cook some eggs, but forgot to turn the stove on. I prayed often, seeking wisdom in the matter and placed my relationship with this person into the love and grace of God. Here and there, I’ve received tiny nuggets of truth that have helped me to be patient and gracious. How I respond to my loved one is as important as my understanding of this confusing situation. A couple of days ago, I received new insight, but with it came a bucket-load of anger. This is often the pattern; I peel off a new layer of wisdom and then because of my emotions dealing with it, I have to reign in a negative attitude. It keeps me going back to God, for His wisdom and direction. I prayed in the evening, asking God to help me respond in the way He would guide me. I knew that if I stayed on my own course, I would stay with the anger – which would do nothing but exacerbate the problem. The very next morning, as I was reading my Bible study passage, a verse jumped out at me, getting at the exact problem of how I should respond to my new level of understanding. In just a whisper of the Spirit of God, I learned that God had full understanding of the situation and the only thing I am responsible for is my behavior and my attitude. I found myself reviewing my actions and attitudes and found them to be more disrespectful and unloving than I had thought. God was helping me to focus on myself and that I need to reinvest my energies to being loving and respectful and accept that He knows the heart of my loved one. I appreciated the new understanding; I needed the new perspective of love and respect building into my life.
Posted by: Freda on: February 6, 2010
I remember thinking, during my teen years, that middle age was oh, around 45-55 years old. Now that I’m there, I would much rather think of middle age in some different frame of reference! I firmly believe that every person will have an eternal existence; the only thing to decide is the address of that existence. The choice is to receive Christ Jesus as Savior and Lord, thereby living eternally within the Presence of God, or to reject Christ – whether by active or passive choices, thereby spending eternity away from the Presence of God. The Almighty God is completely respectful of individuals’ choices and will never force a person to receive Him. Whether with God, or alone, an eternal expanse of time is a bit hard to imagine, much less measure. When does the middle of that come? It’s like trying to think about the number of individual grains of sand throughout the Earth, or the number of stars and distances in the universe. Trying to think about how old I am in the light of eternity has been a lark for today. It is easier to think about my own earthly existence as a farm animal; I am like a spring chicken with a little of my spring sprung!
Posted by: Freda on: February 4, 2010
Just about the time I make adjustments in my life, to begin to utilize the time that I have better, I have the curve ball coming at me – messing with me all over again. The one thing I’ve found that helps me to deal with those curve balls is a combination of flexibility and trusting God for all the details to come together in His perfect plan. I learned to be flexible by first trying to be rigid in my opinions and actions, which only caused me misery and heartache. I often hurt those I love in the process of knowing I was right and sticking to it. It just didn’t work. Slowly, I eased up a bit and learned that being flexible wasn’t so hard and it works a whole lot better. Trusting God has also been a learning process. One of those curve balls hit our finances and we lost our home; we sold the house two months before it would have been sold at auction on the courthouse steps. After paying all the bills, we had enough for three months rent. At the end of those three months, we had no money and we were facing eviction and homelessness. That’s when the miracles of God’s provision took over and taught me what trusting Him is about. We have lived 5 ½ years under His provision, out of the rat race, paying no mortgage or rent, and have learned God is worthy of our trust. Our home now is in a park, with the beauty of evergreen trees surrounding us, a glorious river and trees covering a majestic bluff. Now, when I have those inevitable curve balls coming at me, I am only flustered a short while. It is much easier to relax into that flexibility and sit back and know that God will be there, always loving me and giving me grace, so that I can handle whatever that curve ball is.
Posted by: Freda on: February 2, 2010
I’ve been used to little demeaning jabs – overlooked them as merely teases. Over time, it builds like a Lego Land city project. Then, without a hint of what’s coming, it hits me over the head. After thinking through all the angles, I begin to realize that all of this has to do with respect. I find myself asserting the right anyone, and indeed everyone, has – to be treated with respect. I marvel that I have lived through years of being disrespected and demeaned … and allowed it to continue. And how it is possible to actually change how another person chooses to interact? In reality, I am only able to change my own behavior. I remember halting attempts (even though I hadn’t connected it with needing to be respected) – asking, pleading, arguing, demanding, and yet it may come down to the inability of this other person to offer respect. Merely asserting my right to respect may not even still be enough. I may have to limit my interaction with this person, thereby limiting my vulnerability. It would be the last choice, for all this time, I’ve chosen to be in close relationship and would be very sad to let it go. At the end of the day, it really is important to be in relationship, where respect is foundational. The whole thing is exhausting. I’ve been so busy evaluating my own attitudes, to make sure I was doing the right thing, I never thought to examine what was being done and said to me. I simply responded to the hurt I felt, without understanding why I was hurting. I’m worn out of hurting and I want to live differently. So now, I’m searching, not only in this relationship, but in life in general. I’m trying to locate respect. Is it so hard to find? Is it so hard to give? I think the ultimate level of respect is found in God. Whether or not it is experienced in relationships, with God, there is a level of respect and value that eases the pain of my soul. Today, I’m going to rest in this divine respect and value, knowing my God loves me.
Posted by: Freda on: January 31, 2010
I’m fascinated by the ability of my eyes to perceive myself differently than I really am. I look at myself in a mirror and I see even my face as thinner than it really is. When I see a photo of my face, I’m surprised that it shows a reality that I’m not really ready for! I wonder if I have the flip side of how people who are anorexic see themselves as too fat, I don’t feel as heavy as what the scale says, nor do I see the poundage that a camera would pick up. Similarly, I perceive my voice and even what I say differently than what a recording picks up. When I see a DVD of myself, my, what a surprise I have! Can that possibly be me? I have a recording of miserable words blaring at me, in my own head, questioning why I look this way or why I said a particular thing. I’m learning more about public speaking and have occasional opportunities to gain experience. I seek the Lord’s provision, for His words of compassion and love to be the ones that come out of my mouth. Then, when those miserable words of attack come in my head, I can purposefully set them aside – as old wadded up newspaper, useless and undeserving. Without God in the process, I would be a nervous wreck trying to talk in public, always questioning how I look and what I’m saying. With God, I can be at peace, before, during and after, knowing He holds me in His hand and guides me. All the other is dross, to be sloughed off. I don’t have to trust my eyes and ears to perceive myself with a measure of truth, even if it is way off. I am much more confident and even joyful because the Lord God, He is The Truth and I am His child.
Posted by: Freda on: January 29, 2010
January brings out the projects in my life: preparing taxes, cleaning out and organizing closets, setting goals, mending and catching up on sewing projects, writing projects and the inevitable other things that crop up. I feel like a clown trying to juggle all the odd shaped projects and before they all drop, I slow down enough to set priorities. This year, I’m helping a loved one clean and organize and then whew, I’m worn out so much, I have to rest up. But I’m also invigorated, with just the accomplishment of helping another juggler. I set funny priorities, based on a) time sensitive projects, b) short or on-going projects and c) type of physical exercise involved. Because I have fibromyalgia, I have to limit those projects that are physically demanding to 1 hour or less each day. Then, I have to rest and later, can begin again with a less physically demanding project. If I don’t work on setting the priorities, I find that I get overwhelmed with all the stuff I could do and sometimes even throw them all up in the air and do nothing. The problem that arises is a funny little habit I have with playing computer games, eating or even reading a novel all day all day long. Once in awhile, it’s not so bad; every day – it’s really not such a good thing at all. I do better if I take the time to set priorities with my projects. I’m always working on being more consistent with things that are important to do. I also try to take time with my friends and have some fun. The one main priority that I’ve been setting for myself is to read the Bible each morning, beginning each day with my Lord. With Him, the rest of my day falls into place so much more peacefully and purposefully.
Posted by: Freda on: January 26, 2010
I’ve been given a gift that is precious indeed. In the form of a cassette recording, the voice of my mother shared her life in a voice letter to a loved one. Tears flowed, both in gratitude and in grieving. I knew that I would be emotional, but I had no idea of the depth of emotions that would be evoked. I haven’t heard that voice in 13 ½ years, since she left this world. I’ve missed her so much; what a joy to hear her voice, all at once comforting and sweet. I am so very thankful I have the wonderful hope of reuniting with her because of the grace and love of Christ; the one thing I know with all that is in me is the fact of her childlike faith in Christ. That day will be overflowing with joy. For now, I will cherish the tapes of her voice letters.
Posted by: Freda on: January 23, 2010
I have been doing some mending and found that there is a link between the physical step of sewing up seams in a garment and sewing up holes in relationships. It is such a good thing to open up the door of reconciliation, with appropriate boundaries of respect. Forgiveness is a choice meted out each day, with one day building upon the previous, until one day it doesn’t feel so hard letting go of past wounds. I relish the feeling of reconciliation and peace in relationships. I also love the feeling of forgiving myself and soaking in the love of God, who not only forgives me, but shows me how to forgive myself. I can be at peace with myself in His love. It is the beginning of new life, like the trees and flowers budding out in the springtime of life.
Posted by: Freda on: January 22, 2010
I have been helping a dear one, first with cleaning and later on, organizing and clearing up her apartment. Over the years, I’ve taken these same steps with her, but to no avail. After the season of assistance, she felt overwhelmed once again and things would pile up again. Today, as we cleaned together, I saw something new and exciting. She was owning the process, deciding on how she wanted to accomplish the cleaning. Then, she remarked on the things she’s been learning on the internet and on the TV. It is miraculous; she has been soaking in the information about cleaning and organizing for at least the last six months. She was ready to make these changes, cleaning her counters and adjusting her cooking patterns to keep her kitchen clean on an ongoing basis. I told her that she is a learning machine, using the sources of information to help her prepare mentally for the changes that are needed. Years ago, my efforts to teach, or guide in the area of cleaning, were received like a bad cold – tolerated but not welcomed. Now, I’m seeing a fantastic shift toward competence and confidence in her cleaning. The only step now is helping her to develop a continuing pattern of keeping her apartment clean and organized. I am thankful that God is working in her life, helping her to expand her intellect to fully understand and implement new ways of living. She is indeed a learning machine! And, blessings upon blessings, she is my daughter.
